I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize