the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
