Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
