Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
