wrigley field is MILF paradise
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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