how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
