I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
