He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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