working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
