Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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