Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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