So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
