I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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