if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize