The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
