i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
