woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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