One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
