True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Randomize
