Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
