I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
