My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
