Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
