i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
