I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
