just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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