I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
