I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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