Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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