New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
