Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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