If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
