Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
