I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
