I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
