I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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