Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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