the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
