hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
