My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
