i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
