nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
