question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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