You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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