she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize