my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
