So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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