OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
