we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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