Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
