I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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