i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
