I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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