So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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