12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
