so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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