is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
