Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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