Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
