my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
