A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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