I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
